A Toast to Keeping the Faith

Infertility.  It's not really a word you want spoken over you.  And, although a doctor hasn't said it specifically to me (that I can recall) all these tests and procedures are being "billed" to insurance under infertility so, there you go.  And when does this word first enter a person's radar... one month in?  Six months?  Twelve?  I don't know but, for sure, at month twenty-five I am well aware of this terrible eleven lettered word. 


This journey is exhausting.  It is long and I am not even sure where in the journey we are.  Halfway?  The end?  If you have not gathered yet, I am currently filled with lots of questions. 


Like Why Not Us?  We are married.  We want a baby.  I get so very confused and sad thinking about all the babies that are unwanted and killed daily; so why not us?  I have to shake these thoughts.  I HAVE TO.  I know God is speaking to me just as he spoke to Simon Peter in John 21.  He is telling me to feed His sheep.  The path He has chosen for others is none of my business.  He is telling me that my business is to serve, to love, and to just keep on keeping on.


Sometimes satan grabs hold of my thoughts.  he tells me that I am not good enough.  he tells me I don't deserve more children.  It is in these times I remember the Book of Job.  I know that satan is roaming on the Earth.  I know he is the father of lies.  I pray that if ever a "Book of Jackie" was written that God would say, "Have you considered my servant Jackie?  Though she struggles with infertility, anger, resentment, and depression, still she falls to the ground in worship saying Blessed be the Name of the Lord."


Music is my ally when I need to combat sadness. I am thankful for music.  I love music.  Most recently, at our Sunday gathering, a Matt Redman song was played that moved me to tears.   We had just found out that some uterine scaring (from my C-section) might be the source of all our troubles.


Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful


I am thankful that I serve a faithful God.  I am thankful that I have not had to walk this road alone.  I have my Savior, my husband, my family, and a support group of amazing women.  Never before have I been surrounded by so many godly girls.  I am so very grateful. 


And so, I feel it is about time to bring whatever this is to a close.  If you would, I have one request.  When my brother became sick, I wanted to have a shirt made that said


Front: "Yes my brother has cancer" 


Back: "And I'm OK!" 


I think it was a superb idea.  These days, I want a shirt that simply says, "I know."  I covet your prayers and well wishes, and, I have had my fill of all the old cliches.  I know God is good and He has a plan for my good.  I know all things work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose.  I know that He will grant the desires of my heart.  I know.  And so, instead, just simply raise your glass with me.  Your sweet tea, pop, water, whatever, and let's have us a toast.


A toast to keeping the faith.


Cheers.