Friday, March 21, 2014
A Toast to Keeping the Faith
Infertility. It's not really a word you want spoken over you. And, although a doctor hasn't said it specifically to me (that I can recall) all these tests and procedures are being "billed" to insurance under infertility so, there you go. And when does this word first enter a person's radar... one month in? Six months? Twelve? I don't know but, for sure, at month twenty-five I am well aware of this terrible eleven lettered word.
This journey is exhausting. It is long and I am not even sure where in the journey we are. Halfway? The end? If you have not gathered yet, I am currently filled with lots of questions.
Like Why Not Us? We are married. We want a baby. I get so very confused and sad thinking about all the babies that are unwanted and killed daily; so why not us? I have to shake these thoughts. I HAVE TO. I know God is speaking to me just as he spoke to Simon Peter in John 21. He is telling me to feed His sheep. The path He has chosen for others is none of my business. He is telling me that my business is to serve, to love, and to just keep on keeping on.
Sometimes satan grabs hold of my thoughts. he tells me that I am not good enough. he tells me I don't deserve more children. It is in these times I remember the Book of Job. I know that satan is roaming on the Earth. I know he is the father of lies. I pray that if ever a "Book of Jackie" was written that God would say, "Have you considered my servant Jackie? Though she struggles with infertility, anger, resentment, and depression, still she falls to the ground in worship saying Blessed be the Name of the Lord."
Music is my ally when I need to combat sadness. I am thankful for music. I love music. Most recently, at our Sunday gathering, a Matt Redman song was played that moved me to tears. We had just found out that some uterine scaring (from my C-section) might be the source of all our troubles.
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
I am thankful that I serve a faithful God. I am thankful that I have not had to walk this road alone. I have my Savior, my husband, my family, and a support group of amazing women. Never before have I been surrounded by so many godly girls. I am so very grateful.
And so, I feel it is about time to bring whatever this is to a close. If you would, I have one request. When my brother became sick, I wanted to have a shirt made that said
Front: "Yes my brother has cancer"
Back: "And I'm OK!"
I think it was a superb idea. These days, I want a shirt that simply says, "I know." I covet your prayers and well wishes, and, I have had my fill of all the old cliches. I know God is good and He has a plan for my good. I know all things work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose. I know that He will grant the desires of my heart. I know. And so, instead, just simply raise your glass with me. Your sweet tea, pop, water, whatever, and let's have us a toast.
A toast to keeping the faith.
Cheers.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Thank You Part II
I wanted to express my gratefulness to my teachers, that when I no longer carried the title of "Lady Jacket" you did not treat me any differently. I also wanted to share some "lessons" learned and favorite memories.
Mr. Leifeste. Your knowledge, your vast knowledge is inspiring. Your love of travel and adventure is contagious. Two words: Sky Diving. I learned to never stop learning. Favorite Memory - I attended Johanna's Christmas band concert and you conducted one song with a wig of dreadlocks, it was awesome. I also loved to watch the marching band choreography and be amazed at your creativity and vision.
Ms. Austin. Your happiness and zeal for life in the classroom, I just loved to bask in it. Your personality reminds me very much of my mom's. Since high school, my love for reading has grown and grown. I have learned to always have Great Expectations. Favorite Memory - sitting next to Jon Lofton our senior year.
Ms. Campbell. It is true your class might have been considered a "blow off" however there is one lesson I learned that I take with me everywhere. We were asked to make a pie crust. My assigned partner and I were taking turns reading ingredients and adding them in. He read 1tsp salt and promptly measured out one heaping tablespoon of salt and poured it in. I could see it happening in slow-motion as I watched in horror. He did not know what I knew; that tsp = teaspoon and tbsp = tablespoon. I learned that not everyone has my past experiences and it is wrong of me to assume they do.
Ms. Smith. Your love of the Arts was evident to all as you directed One Act and as you were the "voice" of the LHS band. I loved that we watched my favorite move, the Sound of Music, in class. Favorite Memory - Filming Channel 2 News (Dawson's Creek, lol, Ask Jeeves, An A on Ms. Parks paper... priceless). Also, whenever I watch the TV show Once Upon a Time, I am convinced that I came up with the story line since the play that I wrote in Theater 1, intertwined the stories of several fairy tale characters.
Ms. Thomas. You were such an energetic and fun teacher. Environmental Systems was an amazing class. I loved walking by our xeriscape and taking such pride in our plants and flowers. We covered so many different topics (weather, geology) I became fascinated in the world around me; in God's creation. I wanted to learn more and so Environmental Science became my minor in college.
Ms. Smarr. From dissecting pigs, to egg drop projects, and toothpick bridges, you had creative ways of making learning tangible. At the end of my junior year you gave your class a poem, The Dash, by Linda Ellis. I read it yearly and often remind myself "For it matters not, how much we own, the cars…the house…the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash."
Ms. Holland. They way you taught us to take notes I used all through college and still to this day. It proved to be invaluable. I loved in your classroom, the wooden painted American flag with the pledge of allegiance on it.
Ms. Rabb. You had a passion for teaching and made math fun. I developed this love and hope to someday be a math teacher. Favorite Memory - you were working on a puzzle and I could tell you really wanted to finish it alone. However you willingly included your class when you saw how excited we became as we worked alongside you to solve the number problems.
Ms. Whitecotton. You had a strict 'no laying your head on the desk' policy. Coming back to school following my brother's death one day in class I just could not sit up any longer. I laid my head down; you walked by and patted my shoulder. I learned that compassion is a higher policy and sometimes rules can be bended.
I can still hear each of you saying (or singing) things so clearly. "The weird foreign sheik neither seizes heights nor forfeits leisure." "x = -b + or - the square root, of b squared - 4ac, all over 2a." "Animals are raised; children are reared." "You have to do what you have to do, when you have to do it, whether you like it or not, so that you may be successful."
Thank you for taking the time to invest in the lives of so many.
Mr. Leifeste. Your knowledge, your vast knowledge is inspiring. Your love of travel and adventure is contagious. Two words: Sky Diving. I learned to never stop learning. Favorite Memory - I attended Johanna's Christmas band concert and you conducted one song with a wig of dreadlocks, it was awesome. I also loved to watch the marching band choreography and be amazed at your creativity and vision.
Ms. Austin. Your happiness and zeal for life in the classroom, I just loved to bask in it. Your personality reminds me very much of my mom's. Since high school, my love for reading has grown and grown. I have learned to always have Great Expectations. Favorite Memory - sitting next to Jon Lofton our senior year.
Ms. Campbell. It is true your class might have been considered a "blow off" however there is one lesson I learned that I take with me everywhere. We were asked to make a pie crust. My assigned partner and I were taking turns reading ingredients and adding them in. He read 1tsp salt and promptly measured out one heaping tablespoon of salt and poured it in. I could see it happening in slow-motion as I watched in horror. He did not know what I knew; that tsp = teaspoon and tbsp = tablespoon. I learned that not everyone has my past experiences and it is wrong of me to assume they do.
Ms. Smith. Your love of the Arts was evident to all as you directed One Act and as you were the "voice" of the LHS band. I loved that we watched my favorite move, the Sound of Music, in class. Favorite Memory - Filming Channel 2 News (Dawson's Creek, lol, Ask Jeeves, An A on Ms. Parks paper... priceless). Also, whenever I watch the TV show Once Upon a Time, I am convinced that I came up with the story line since the play that I wrote in Theater 1, intertwined the stories of several fairy tale characters.
Ms. Thomas. You were such an energetic and fun teacher. Environmental Systems was an amazing class. I loved walking by our xeriscape and taking such pride in our plants and flowers. We covered so many different topics (weather, geology) I became fascinated in the world around me; in God's creation. I wanted to learn more and so Environmental Science became my minor in college.
Ms. Smarr. From dissecting pigs, to egg drop projects, and toothpick bridges, you had creative ways of making learning tangible. At the end of my junior year you gave your class a poem, The Dash, by Linda Ellis. I read it yearly and often remind myself "For it matters not, how much we own, the cars…the house…the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash."
Ms. Holland. They way you taught us to take notes I used all through college and still to this day. It proved to be invaluable. I loved in your classroom, the wooden painted American flag with the pledge of allegiance on it.
Ms. Rabb. You had a passion for teaching and made math fun. I developed this love and hope to someday be a math teacher. Favorite Memory - you were working on a puzzle and I could tell you really wanted to finish it alone. However you willingly included your class when you saw how excited we became as we worked alongside you to solve the number problems.
Ms. Whitecotton. You had a strict 'no laying your head on the desk' policy. Coming back to school following my brother's death one day in class I just could not sit up any longer. I laid my head down; you walked by and patted my shoulder. I learned that compassion is a higher policy and sometimes rules can be bended.
I can still hear each of you saying (or singing) things so clearly. "The weird foreign sheik neither seizes heights nor forfeits leisure." "x = -b + or - the square root, of b squared - 4ac, all over 2a." "Animals are raised; children are reared." "You have to do what you have to do, when you have to do it, whether you like it or not, so that you may be successful."
Thank you for taking the time to invest in the lives of so many.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Adventures in April
Wow, the month of April was a whirl-wind for sure!
April 1st we spent a fun family day at Sweet Berry Farm!
April 9th marked seven years since Clay proposed.
April 17th Oliver turned 2 and we celebrated his party on the 20th.
April 21st Jaycie was baptized!
April 21st we headed out for our first road trip family vacation! Our trip went as follows:
We departed our home Sunday, April 21st around 9 AM. Sadly we missed JC's baptism in Spring :(. We thought sweet thoughts of her as we headed north, bound for Illinois. Our car was loaded down with snacks, movies, people, pillows and memories were ready to be made.
We stopped for lunch in Hillsboro. We ate our packed sandwiches in their city park. Luralie ran and played and had so much fun! Some of the locals were fishing in the small stream there and were catching crawfish. Luralie was a little scared of them and called them lobsters. Then we continued our trek north. Luralie did SO well in the car. She was curious as to where we were going and not-so-sure about sleeping all nigh in her carseat but when night fell we switched off her TV, said a night-night prayer and she was out. We made a stop after she had fallen asleep and I took her in to go potty. She was NOT happy to have been woken up and cried a little. She went right back to sleep though.
Clay drove from 9 AM - Midnight then Christa took over. She dove from 12-3 then I drove from 3-6. We were nearing Chicago and I had a splitting headache so Clay took over. L woke up during this driver change and we had to coax her to go back to sleep. We drove into Downtown Chicago in search of a breakfast spot close to the Navy Pier. We finally decided on some Dunkin Donuts. Once our tummies were full and bladders empty we explored Navy Pier. It was a beautiful sunny day! First we L road a kiddie train then we all road the Ferris Wheel. We explored a stain-glass museum on the pier then walked into downtown Chicago for some deep-dish pizza! After lunch we loaded up in the car and drove to the Willis Tower (formerly known as the Sears Tower). We road the elevator to the tip top; it was so high our ears popped! We ended our day by checking into our hotel and having dinner at a local Chick-Fil-A (Clay took L as I was not feeling quite good).
The next morning we toured Wrigley Field then took the L and visited the Shedd Aquarium. It was an overcast morning and drizzled on us a bit in the afternoon. We had breakfast at the hotel, lunch at 5 Guys, and dinner at Ditkas.
On our last day in Chicago Clay took L to swim in the hotel pool while Christa and I packed up our room. We checked out then headed to the Field Museum. We saw LOTS there and still didn't see everything. Our primary reason for choosing this museum was to see the Tsavo Ghost and the Darkness Lions. We at lunch at the museum then explored more of the exhibits. We saw a 3d film on Suzie, a T-Rex that was on display there.
When we were done we headed out of Chicago and to our good friend house in a near-by town. We were so excited to see Don and Mary Lou! We spent our days there relaxing, playing with toys, reading books, napping, eating yummy home-cooked meals, playing card games, and walking to their beautiful neighborhood park. One day we went into Rockford together and toured its museum. We saw a small exhibit on the Rockford Peaches! While in Rockford we found a Mexican food restaurant for lunch and the food was not bad. Clay and I spent our evenings playing racquetball with Mr. Don while Luralie read books with Mrs. Mary Lou.
Sadly, our time with our friends came to a close and we had to say goodbye. Stubborn Clay drove most of the way. We traveled via St. Louis in hopes of seeing the arches however it was too foggy and rainy for us to do so :( We made it back to camp in time to join our camp family for a night of BUNCO!
We all rested the next day then it was back to work!
April 1st we spent a fun family day at Sweet Berry Farm!
April 9th marked seven years since Clay proposed.
April 17th Oliver turned 2 and we celebrated his party on the 20th.
April 21st Jaycie was baptized!
April 21st we headed out for our first road trip family vacation! Our trip went as follows:
We departed our home Sunday, April 21st around 9 AM. Sadly we missed JC's baptism in Spring :(. We thought sweet thoughts of her as we headed north, bound for Illinois. Our car was loaded down with snacks, movies, people, pillows and memories were ready to be made.
We stopped for lunch in Hillsboro. We ate our packed sandwiches in their city park. Luralie ran and played and had so much fun! Some of the locals were fishing in the small stream there and were catching crawfish. Luralie was a little scared of them and called them lobsters. Then we continued our trek north. Luralie did SO well in the car. She was curious as to where we were going and not-so-sure about sleeping all nigh in her carseat but when night fell we switched off her TV, said a night-night prayer and she was out. We made a stop after she had fallen asleep and I took her in to go potty. She was NOT happy to have been woken up and cried a little. She went right back to sleep though.
Clay drove from 9 AM - Midnight then Christa took over. She dove from 12-3 then I drove from 3-6. We were nearing Chicago and I had a splitting headache so Clay took over. L woke up during this driver change and we had to coax her to go back to sleep. We drove into Downtown Chicago in search of a breakfast spot close to the Navy Pier. We finally decided on some Dunkin Donuts. Once our tummies were full and bladders empty we explored Navy Pier. It was a beautiful sunny day! First we L road a kiddie train then we all road the Ferris Wheel. We explored a stain-glass museum on the pier then walked into downtown Chicago for some deep-dish pizza! After lunch we loaded up in the car and drove to the Willis Tower (formerly known as the Sears Tower). We road the elevator to the tip top; it was so high our ears popped! We ended our day by checking into our hotel and having dinner at a local Chick-Fil-A (Clay took L as I was not feeling quite good).
The next morning we toured Wrigley Field then took the L and visited the Shedd Aquarium. It was an overcast morning and drizzled on us a bit in the afternoon. We had breakfast at the hotel, lunch at 5 Guys, and dinner at Ditkas.
On our last day in Chicago Clay took L to swim in the hotel pool while Christa and I packed up our room. We checked out then headed to the Field Museum. We saw LOTS there and still didn't see everything. Our primary reason for choosing this museum was to see the Tsavo Ghost and the Darkness Lions. We at lunch at the museum then explored more of the exhibits. We saw a 3d film on Suzie, a T-Rex that was on display there.
When we were done we headed out of Chicago and to our good friend house in a near-by town. We were so excited to see Don and Mary Lou! We spent our days there relaxing, playing with toys, reading books, napping, eating yummy home-cooked meals, playing card games, and walking to their beautiful neighborhood park. One day we went into Rockford together and toured its museum. We saw a small exhibit on the Rockford Peaches! While in Rockford we found a Mexican food restaurant for lunch and the food was not bad. Clay and I spent our evenings playing racquetball with Mr. Don while Luralie read books with Mrs. Mary Lou.
Sadly, our time with our friends came to a close and we had to say goodbye. Stubborn Clay drove most of the way. We traveled via St. Louis in hopes of seeing the arches however it was too foggy and rainy for us to do so :( We made it back to camp in time to join our camp family for a night of BUNCO!
We all rested the next day then it was back to work!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I am a Failure
So I have already failed in not blogging once a month.... maybe I will blog twice this month... maybe not...
Running and lifting once a week are happening, and we did really well with our Daniel fast, however the chocolate only on the weekends and fasting on Mondays are not really happening. Another fail.
3rd fail... still not pregnant. After a whole year still not pregnant. It is so frustrating, heartbreaking, and sometimes so very depressing. Already this year five of my friends have had their babies and another three are pregnant. Tuesday another friend of mine announced their pregnancy and I almost lost it. I hate feeling jealous, I hate it. I truly am excited for all my friends... I just keep wondering when it will be my turn (how childish does THAT sound...)
Anyway, I am SO thankful for Clay. He encouraged me to take this past month off from "trying". No calculating or testing. It was good, and relaxing. We have an appt next month to see a specialist. I just hope he can give us some answers.
I am also SO SO SO thankful for our little girl. She is such a blessing and I cannot imagine our lives without her. She makes me smile and laugh, she makes me want to pull my hair out! And she makes me cherish every day. Cannot wait till August when I will be at home with her!!!
Speaking of which, I had better begin to tackle this mound of work on my desk. Yes, I am blogging from work. No internet at our house after we had two astronomical bills from a virus on our computer and the camp internet still not hooked up. And that, my friend, is a can of worms which I wish I could close back up. Yep, I was called a tattle-tale.
Running and lifting once a week are happening, and we did really well with our Daniel fast, however the chocolate only on the weekends and fasting on Mondays are not really happening. Another fail.
3rd fail... still not pregnant. After a whole year still not pregnant. It is so frustrating, heartbreaking, and sometimes so very depressing. Already this year five of my friends have had their babies and another three are pregnant. Tuesday another friend of mine announced their pregnancy and I almost lost it. I hate feeling jealous, I hate it. I truly am excited for all my friends... I just keep wondering when it will be my turn (how childish does THAT sound...)
Anyway, I am SO thankful for Clay. He encouraged me to take this past month off from "trying". No calculating or testing. It was good, and relaxing. We have an appt next month to see a specialist. I just hope he can give us some answers.
I am also SO SO SO thankful for our little girl. She is such a blessing and I cannot imagine our lives without her. She makes me smile and laugh, she makes me want to pull my hair out! And she makes me cherish every day. Cannot wait till August when I will be at home with her!!!
Speaking of which, I had better begin to tackle this mound of work on my desk. Yes, I am blogging from work. No internet at our house after we had two astronomical bills from a virus on our computer and the camp internet still not hooked up. And that, my friend, is a can of worms which I wish I could close back up. Yep, I was called a tattle-tale.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Bullet Style
- I would like to wish you (whom ever you are) a Happy New Year!
- I will blog once a month (bullet style if necessary).
- I will run once a week.
- I will lift once a week.
- I am eating chocolate only on Saturdays and Sundays (except not right now...see Daniel fast bullet).
- I chopped 10 inches of my hair off for locks of love.
- I want to get pregnant so desperately.
- I have lost almost 10 lbs.
- I am 2 weeks into a modified Daniel fast - no meats & no sweets - that will end on Feb. 4th.
- I have had and will continue to have a full fast every Monday.
- I will soon be a stay at home momma. :)
- I love my family so much and am so thankful for them everyday!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
An Email to Luralie
Dear Luralie,
Today is Sunday, June 10th and you have been at your GG's for the past two nights. I miss you so much but I know you are having a great time. Since our Outreach Team goes out today and we will not get back until close to mid-night, GG will bring you home and put you to bed. I cannot wait for the morning so I can get you up and kiss your sweet face!
I wanted to tell you about our day together this past Tuesday. We got up, headed into town, signed you up for dance camp, went to story time at the library, checked out a new book and Veggie Tales DVD, did some shopping (bought you some dive-sticks, sand toys, play shorts), had lunch at Chick-fil-a, checked out a little gym, played at the Galleria Splash Pad, shopped at HEB, you napped in the car (I took the longest way home at the slowest MPH possible), went swimming at the pool, dinner, bath, and bed. It was a glorious day indeed. You were so good. At HEB you spotted one of those race-car-carts and wanted me to get it... only problem was it was behind like 30 regular carts.. you told me "its ok, just move them over" lol. You were patient with me as I said, no but lets see if we can find another one. We looked one cart-return over and found a race-car-cart behind only 2 regular carts. You love playing the Buddy Buck game and did NOT want to sleep in the car, you said you wanted to nap in your bed. I explained that it would be a while before we got home, and if you napped in the car then we could go swimming. You conceded and were snoozing before we were 100 yards from the HEB parking lot!
On Thursday GG spent the night, you two were so giddy and excited for GG to sleep on your new trundle bed. GG said you did not make a peep once I closed the door and said goodnight.
I love you my Tinker Fairy.
~ Momma
Today is Sunday, June 10th and you have been at your GG's for the past two nights. I miss you so much but I know you are having a great time. Since our Outreach Team goes out today and we will not get back until close to mid-night, GG will bring you home and put you to bed. I cannot wait for the morning so I can get you up and kiss your sweet face!
I wanted to tell you about our day together this past Tuesday. We got up, headed into town, signed you up for dance camp, went to story time at the library, checked out a new book and Veggie Tales DVD, did some shopping (bought you some dive-sticks, sand toys, play shorts), had lunch at Chick-fil-a, checked out a little gym, played at the Galleria Splash Pad, shopped at HEB, you napped in the car (I took the longest way home at the slowest MPH possible), went swimming at the pool, dinner, bath, and bed. It was a glorious day indeed. You were so good. At HEB you spotted one of those race-car-carts and wanted me to get it... only problem was it was behind like 30 regular carts.. you told me "its ok, just move them over" lol. You were patient with me as I said, no but lets see if we can find another one. We looked one cart-return over and found a race-car-cart behind only 2 regular carts. You love playing the Buddy Buck game and did NOT want to sleep in the car, you said you wanted to nap in your bed. I explained that it would be a while before we got home, and if you napped in the car then we could go swimming. You conceded and were snoozing before we were 100 yards from the HEB parking lot!
On Thursday GG spent the night, you two were so giddy and excited for GG to sleep on your new trundle bed. GG said you did not make a peep once I closed the door and said goodnight.
I love you my Tinker Fairy.
~ Momma
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Rainbows
So back to my rainbow. My first summer as an SMT... way back when in 2004... it rained a lot that summer... I know you are thinking.. what?!?! Raining and Flooding at HLC? Yes. It is true. And the best thing is like every other day, almost, we saw a new rainbow.
And so, it was just a gentle reminder to me from my creator of the promises He has given me, and my family, and the whole world. That HE is in control; that HE has a plan. " I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Genesis 9:13"
Oh ya, did you notice the "pot of gold"?? Yes, it is HLC's new pool... and it is spectacular!!!!!!!
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