The Parachute Metaphor

A friend of mine is in the same place I was in a few months ago.  Her 2nd IUI was unsuccessful.  It is an incredibly confusing and heartbreaking place.  She confided to me that people were looking at her like she was crazy because she "didn't lose anything."  It was to this remark that I responded:


"We did lose something… a little glimmer of hope… a chance… we jumped out of a plane and our parachute didn’t open. Maybe our back-up one will…. plan B. I don’t know. But what I do know is that Jesus is waiting with arms wide open at the end of this tough ride."

The road of infertility is a tough one. It is long and bumpy; full of twists and turns, shots and pills, procedures and guesses. I know that Jesus is with me, holding me every step of the way. He is guiding our decisions, opening doors, closing doors, saying yes and saying no. The part I wanted to emphasize was even if every path I took ended up in a roadblock, even if none of the cords I pulled opened up a parachute, Jesus wasn’t going to let me crash and burn. Jesus is my life net.  

"I usually understand what God is doing by seeing it through the rearview mirror. Only then can I connect the dots, and even then, it’s a pretty dodgy sketch. Maybe that’s why the Bible described what we are often doing as looking through a mirror dimly. The Bible says that right now we only know ‘in part’ and that one day, after we’ve gone, we’ll know 'in full.'  That makes more sense to me because it means our understanding will always have gaps and gaps are good because they leave room for God to fill in the spaces."    ~ Love Does   by Bob Goff

When our infertility journey has come to a close and our downward spiral has ended with a wicked hook turn and a soft landing, I know that I will look back and see God’s design. I will see His perfect will: each pulled cord, each explored path in the exact order they were supposed to occur. It will all have happened according to His plan. 

So yes, the parachute was a metaphor. If I had used ‘like’ or ‘as’ then it would have been a simile.  :)


Cheers!

Something To Celebrate

"I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age

The ending of an era and the turning of a page

Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here

Lord have mercy on my next thirty years"

Six months from today I will turn 30!  Wow.  I am a little excited.  I love birthdays.  I think they are great!  It is the greatest gift to grow older.  The most difficult birthday for me was turning 25.  It was an age my brother never saw. 

"Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun

Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done

Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears

And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years"

I think about my brother often.  I know it was no coincidence that today at Mom2Mom we talked about prayer.  I can remember desperately praying for God to heal Jason.  And when it didn't happen, when he didn't receive the healing I begged God for, I was angry.  For many, many years I simply didn't pray.  Finally, my mom got a hold of me.  "Jackie," she said, "Prayer is not for us to change the will of God, but for us to allow God to mold our heart in accordance with His will."  My prayer was answered.  Jason is healed.  My brother is Home Free.

"My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores

Cry a little less, laugh a little more

Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear

Figure out just what I’m doing here

In my next thirty years"

Sometimes our past valleys help prepare us for future valleys.  Again, for the past 2 years I have pleaded with God.  Begged him for a positive pregnancy test.  And He has answered.... with at "NO."  It stinks.  But it is what it is.  I am having to re-learn the lesson my mom taught me.

"Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight

Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late

Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers

Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years"

I am done with feeling sorry for myself.  DONE.  I am no longer going to drown my sorrows in a bucket of Blue Bell.  I am going to take charge of my life and live.  I am shifting my focus on being healthier.  Mind, Body, and Soul.  It comes to no surprise to me that as soon as I made this decision my eldest sister invited me to run a 1/2 marathon in February.  In the past when she asked me to run a race with her I gave the excuse of "well I might be pregnant..."  This time I said "YES!  Sign Me Up!" 

"My next thirty years will be the best years of my life

Raise a little family and hang out with my wife

Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear

Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years"

   ~Tim McGraw

Waking up is a gift.  Love is a gift.  Love extravagantly, without reservation.  A friend once asked me "What if tomorrow the only people in your life were the ones you showed love to today?"  Woah.  And the truth is no one is promised their next breath.  No one is promised tomorrow.  So live today to its fullest.  And don't forget to love. 

And now these three remain:

faith, hope and love.

But the greatest of these is love. 

1 Corinthians 13:13

Cheers!



A Toast to Keeping the Faith

Infertility.  It's not really a word you want spoken over you.  And, although a doctor hasn't said it specifically to me (that I can recall) all these tests and procedures are being "billed" to insurance under infertility so, there you go.  And when does this word first enter a person's radar... one month in?  Six months?  Twelve?  I don't know but, for sure, at month twenty-five I am well aware of this terrible eleven lettered word. 


This journey is exhausting.  It is long and I am not even sure where in the journey we are.  Halfway?  The end?  If you have not gathered yet, I am currently filled with lots of questions. 


Like Why Not Us?  We are married.  We want a baby.  I get so very confused and sad thinking about all the babies that are unwanted and killed daily; so why not us?  I have to shake these thoughts.  I HAVE TO.  I know God is speaking to me just as he spoke to Simon Peter in John 21.  He is telling me to feed His sheep.  The path He has chosen for others is none of my business.  He is telling me that my business is to serve, to love, and to just keep on keeping on.


Sometimes satan grabs hold of my thoughts.  he tells me that I am not good enough.  he tells me I don't deserve more children.  It is in these times I remember the Book of Job.  I know that satan is roaming on the Earth.  I know he is the father of lies.  I pray that if ever a "Book of Jackie" was written that God would say, "Have you considered my servant Jackie?  Though she struggles with infertility, anger, resentment, and depression, still she falls to the ground in worship saying Blessed be the Name of the Lord."


Music is my ally when I need to combat sadness. I am thankful for music.  I love music.  Most recently, at our Sunday gathering, a Matt Redman song was played that moved me to tears.   We had just found out that some uterine scaring (from my C-section) might be the source of all our troubles.


Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful


I am thankful that I serve a faithful God.  I am thankful that I have not had to walk this road alone.  I have my Savior, my husband, my family, and a support group of amazing women.  Never before have I been surrounded by so many godly girls.  I am so very grateful. 


And so, I feel it is about time to bring whatever this is to a close.  If you would, I have one request.  When my brother became sick, I wanted to have a shirt made that said


Front: "Yes my brother has cancer" 


Back: "And I'm OK!" 


I think it was a superb idea.  These days, I want a shirt that simply says, "I know."  I covet your prayers and well wishes, and, I have had my fill of all the old cliches.  I know God is good and He has a plan for my good.  I know all things work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose.  I know that He will grant the desires of my heart.  I know.  And so, instead, just simply raise your glass with me.  Your sweet tea, pop, water, whatever, and let's have us a toast.


A toast to keeping the faith.


Cheers.

Thank You Part II

I wanted to express my gratefulness to my teachers, that when I no longer carried the title of "Lady Jacket" you did not treat me any differently.  I also wanted to share some "lessons" learned and favorite memories.

Mr. Leifeste.  Your knowledge, your vast knowledge is inspiring.  Your love of travel and adventure is contagious.  Two words: Sky Diving.  I learned to never stop learning.  Favorite Memory - I attended Johanna's Christmas band concert and you conducted one song with a wig of dreadlocks, it was awesome.  I also loved to watch the marching band choreography and be amazed at your creativity and vision.

Ms. Austin.  Your happiness and zeal for life in the classroom, I just loved to bask in it.  Your personality reminds me very much of my mom's.  Since high school, my love for reading has grown and grown.  I have learned to always have Great Expectations.  Favorite Memory - sitting next to Jon Lofton our senior year.

Ms. Campbell.  It is true your class might have been considered a "blow off" however there is one lesson I learned that I take with me everywhere.  We were asked to make a pie crust.  My assigned partner and I were taking turns reading ingredients and adding them in.  He read 1tsp salt and promptly measured out one heaping tablespoon of salt and poured it in.  I could see it happening in slow-motion as I watched in horror.  He did not know what I knew; that tsp = teaspoon and tbsp = tablespoon.  I learned that not everyone has my past experiences and it is wrong of me to assume they do.

Ms. Smith. Your love of the Arts was evident to all as you directed One Act and as you were the "voice" of the LHS band.  I loved that we watched my favorite move, the Sound of Music, in class.  Favorite Memory - Filming Channel 2 News (Dawson's Creek, lol, Ask Jeeves, An A on Ms. Parks paper... priceless).  Also, whenever I watch the TV show Once Upon a Time, I am convinced that I came up with the story line since the play that I wrote in Theater 1, intertwined the stories of several fairy tale characters. 

Ms. Thomas.  You were such an energetic and fun teacher.  Environmental Systems was an amazing class.  I loved walking by our xeriscape and taking such pride in our plants and flowers.   We covered so many different topics (weather, geology) I became fascinated in the world around me; in God's creation.  I wanted to learn more and so Environmental Science became my minor in college. 

Ms. Smarr.  From dissecting pigs, to egg drop projects, and toothpick bridges, you had creative ways of making learning tangible.  At the end of my junior year you gave your class a poem, The Dash, by Linda Ellis.  I read it yearly and often remind myself "For it matters not, how much we own, the cars…the house…the cash.  What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash."

Ms. Holland.  They way you taught us to take notes I used all through college and still to this day.  It proved to be invaluable.  I loved in your classroom, the wooden painted American flag with the pledge of allegiance on it.

Ms. Rabb. You had a passion for teaching and made math fun.  I developed this love and hope to someday be a math teacher.  Favorite Memory - you were working on a puzzle and I could tell you really wanted to finish it alone.  However you willingly included your class when you saw how excited we became as we worked alongside you to solve the number problems.

Ms. Whitecotton.  You had a strict 'no laying your head on the desk' policy.  Coming back to school following my brother's death one day in class I just could not sit up any longer.  I laid my head down; you walked by and patted my shoulder.  I learned that compassion is a higher policy and sometimes rules can be bended.

I can still hear each of you saying (or singing) things so clearly.  "The weird foreign sheik neither seizes heights nor forfeits leisure." "x = -b + or - the square root, of b squared - 4ac, all over 2a." "Animals are raised; children are reared." "You have to do what you have to do, when you have to do it, whether you like it or not, so that you may be successful."

Thank you for taking the time to invest in the lives of so many.

Adventures in April

Wow, the month of April was a whirl-wind for sure!

April 1st we spent a fun family day at Sweet Berry Farm!
April 9th marked seven years since Clay proposed.
April 17th Oliver turned 2 and we celebrated his party on the 20th.
April 21st Jaycie was baptized!

April 21st we headed out for our first road trip family vacation!  Our trip went as follows:

We departed our home Sunday, April 21st around 9 AM.  Sadly we missed JC's baptism in Spring :(.  We thought sweet thoughts of her as we headed north, bound for Illinois.  Our car was loaded down with snacks, movies, people, pillows and memories were ready to be made.

We stopped for lunch in Hillsboro.  We ate our packed sandwiches in their city park.  Luralie ran and played and had so much fun!  Some of the locals were fishing in the small stream there and were catching crawfish.  Luralie was a little scared of them and called them lobsters.  Then we continued our trek north.  Luralie did SO well in the car.  She was curious as to where we were going and not-so-sure about sleeping all nigh in her carseat but when night fell we switched off her TV, said a night-night prayer and she was out.  We made a stop after she had fallen asleep and I took her in to go potty.  She was NOT happy to have been woken up and cried a little.  She went right back to sleep though.

Clay drove from 9 AM - Midnight then Christa took over.  She dove from 12-3 then I drove from 3-6.  We were nearing Chicago and I had a splitting headache so Clay took over.  L woke up during this driver change and we had to coax her to go back to sleep.  We drove into Downtown Chicago in search of a breakfast spot close to the Navy Pier.  We finally decided on some Dunkin Donuts.  Once our tummies were full and bladders empty we explored Navy Pier.  It was a beautiful sunny day!  First we L road a kiddie train then we all road the Ferris Wheel.  We explored a stain-glass museum on the pier then walked into downtown Chicago for some deep-dish pizza!  After lunch we loaded up in the car and drove to the Willis Tower (formerly known as the Sears Tower).  We road the elevator to the tip top; it was so high our ears popped!  We ended our day by checking into our hotel and having dinner at a local Chick-Fil-A (Clay took L as I was not feeling quite good). 

The next morning we toured Wrigley Field then took the L and visited the Shedd Aquarium.  It was an overcast morning and drizzled on us a bit in the afternoon.  We had breakfast at the hotel, lunch at 5 Guys, and dinner at Ditkas.

On our last day in Chicago Clay took L to swim in the hotel pool while Christa and I packed up our room.  We checked out then headed to the Field Museum.  We saw LOTS there and still didn't see everything.  Our primary reason for choosing this museum was to see the Tsavo Ghost and the Darkness Lions.  We at lunch at the museum then explored more of the exhibits.  We saw a 3d film on Suzie, a T-Rex that was on display there. 

When we were done we headed out of Chicago and to our good friend house in a near-by town.  We were so excited to see Don and Mary Lou!  We spent our days there relaxing, playing with toys, reading books, napping, eating yummy home-cooked meals, playing card games, and walking to their beautiful neighborhood park.  One day we went into Rockford together and toured its museum.  We saw a small exhibit on the Rockford Peaches!  While in Rockford we found a Mexican food restaurant for lunch and the food was not bad.  Clay and I spent our evenings playing racquetball with Mr. Don while Luralie read books with Mrs. Mary Lou.

Sadly, our time with our friends came to a close and we had to say goodbye.  Stubborn Clay drove most of the way.  We traveled via St. Louis in hopes of seeing the arches however it was too foggy and rainy for us to do so :(  We made it back to camp in time to join our camp family for a night of BUNCO!

We all rested the next day then it was back to work!

I am a Failure

So I have already failed in not blogging once a month.... maybe I will blog twice this month... maybe not...

Running and lifting once a week are happening, and we did really well with our Daniel fast, however the chocolate only on the weekends and fasting on Mondays are not really happening.  Another fail.

3rd fail... still not pregnant.  After a whole year still not pregnant.  It is so frustrating, heartbreaking, and sometimes so very depressing.  Already this year five of my friends have had their babies and another three are pregnant.  Tuesday another friend of mine announced their pregnancy and I almost lost it.  I hate feeling jealous, I hate it.  I truly am excited for all my friends... I just keep wondering when it will be my turn (how childish does THAT sound...)

Anyway, I am SO thankful for Clay.  He encouraged me to take this past month off from "trying".  No calculating or testing.  It was good, and relaxing.  We have an appt next month to see a specialist.  I just hope he can give us some answers.

I am also SO SO SO thankful for our little girl.  She is such a blessing and I cannot imagine our lives without her.  She makes me smile and laugh, she makes me want to pull my hair out!  And she makes me cherish every day.  Cannot wait till August when I will be at home with her!!!

Speaking of which, I had better begin to tackle this mound of work on my desk.  Yes, I am blogging from work.  No internet at our house after we had two astronomical bills from a virus on our computer and the camp internet still not hooked up.  And that, my friend, is a can of worms which I wish I could close back up.  Yep, I was called a tattle-tale. 

Bullet Style

• I would like to wish you (whom ever you are) a Happy New Year!
• I will blog once a month (bullet style if necessary).
• I will run once a week.
• I will lift once a week.
• I am eating chocolate only on Saturdays and Sundays (except not right now...see Daniel fast bullet).
• I chopped 10 inches of my hair off for locks of love.
• I want to get pregnant so desperately.
• I have lost almost 10 lbs.
• I am 2 weeks into a modified Daniel fast - no meats & no sweets - that will end on Feb. 4th.
• I have had and will continue to have a full fast every Monday.
• I will soon be a stay at home momma. :)
• I love my family so much and am so thankful for them everyday!

An Email to Luralie

Dear Luralie,

Today is Sunday, June 10th and you have been at your GG's for the past two nights.  I miss you so much but I know you are having a great time.  Since our Outreach Team goes out today and we will not get back until close to mid-night, GG will bring you home and put you to bed.  I cannot wait for the morning so I can get you up and kiss your sweet face!

I wanted to tell you about our day together this past Tuesday.  We got up, headed into town, signed you up for dance camp, went to story time at the library, checked out a new book and Veggie Tales DVD, did some shopping (bought you some dive-sticks, sand toys, play shorts), had lunch at Chick-fil-a, checked out a little gym, played at the Galleria Splash Pad, shopped at HEB, you napped in the car (I took the longest way home at the slowest MPH possible), went swimming at the pool, dinner, bath, and bed.  It was a glorious day indeed.  You were so good.  At HEB you spotted one of those race-car-carts and wanted me to get it... only problem was it was behind like 30 regular carts.. you told me "its ok, just move them over" lol.  You were patient with me as I said, no but lets see if we can find another one.  We looked one cart-return over and found a race-car-cart behind only 2 regular carts.  You love playing the Buddy Buck game and did NOT want to sleep in the car, you said you wanted to nap in your bed.  I explained that it would be a while before we got home, and if you napped in the car then we could go swimming.  You conceded and were snoozing before we were 100 yards from the HEB parking lot!

On Thursday GG spent the night, you two were so giddy and excited for GG to sleep on your new trundle bed.  GG said you did not make a peep once I closed the door and said goodnight.

I love you my Tinker Fairy.

~ Momma

Rainbows

I took this picture a few days ago... ok so maybe it was like a week ago... time runs together for me especially now that we are on the very, very, near verge of SUMMER!  EEK!!!  Yes, I love Summer here at HLC.  Yes, things are crazy; yes, when all is said and done it seems like one giant blur; but these organized chaotic action packed 12 weeks or summer are filled with God; and students seeking God; and beautiful moments of God making himself known.  It. Is. Awesome.

So back to my rainbow.  My first summer as an SMT... way back when in 2004... it rained a lot that summer... I know you are thinking.. what?!?! Raining and Flooding at HLC?  Yes.  It is true.  And the best thing is like every other day, almost, we saw a new rainbow. 

And so, it was just a gentle reminder to me from my creator of the promises He has given me, and my family, and the whole world.  That HE is in control; that HE has a plan.  " I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Genesis 9:13"

Oh ya, did you notice the "pot of gold"?? Yes, it is HLC's new pool... and it is spectacular!!!!!!!

Tomorrow....

2.11.12 Tomorrow....

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” ― A.A. Milne

My brother went home to Heaven 2.11.01... eleven years ago tomorrow... I still miss him. My heart still aches. I wonder what we would be doing these days. What new jokes he might tell. His laugh and sense of humor were amazing. He would laugh at me. Today I passed out radios to our adult volunteers who came to help with Hot Hearts. He would laugh because the radios didn't have batteries in them... and my boss had been ''charging'' them all night! She and I had a good long laugh about it. It feels good to laugh... especially on a day when all I want to do is sit down and cry.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154. My heart aches for my parents. Even more so now that I have a child of my own. I never knew how much space in my heart someone so small could occupy. I never knew how much it must hurt...

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
On me at every turn
How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place
When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah
~Mandisa

Day 1

Today was bittersweet. I went back to work. I missed my little girl like crazy and wondered what she was doing. I am totally blessed because I can peek out of my office window and see my little home.

Our church is doing a one week fast to help us focus and give the first part of our year to God. For seven days I am going with out meat or sweets (this includes breads and chips). Today was Day 1.

I began my day by reading "Starting your Day Right" and watching Joyce on TV. I am going to end it by reading "Ending your Day Right" and reading Proverbs 1 & 2 as I forgot to ready chapter 1 yesterday....

Well, Clay and I just got done lifting weights... bath then reading then bed.

Oh, tomorrow is my day off! :)

2012

Wow... I cannot believe it has been over a year since I have blogged.... well, one of my resolutions for 2012 is to blog more. I have been told by many a person that a goal (resolution) needs to be measurable (since by "more" I have accomplished this goal with this one post). One is more than none... so lets just say once a week.

Well, January 1, 2012 is the first day of a week, month, and year. Sadly is is the last day of my vacation. I have not been at work since December 15 and I have enjoyed immensely my time with my Lura-Bug. I am sad for this sweet season to come to a close. However, I love my job and am thankful to work with such wonderful people in such a wonderful place. I am blessed.

Today we went to church as a family (love), ate lunch, grocery shopped while Clay and Luralie played trains at B& N, ran/walked 1.5 miles during nap time (Lura put herself to sleep PTL and slept from 3-5), new recipe for dinner (my Momma's mexican chicken), bath time, scrabble, wrote some snail mail, FB and now blogging.

Another resolution is to go to bed earlier... since it is almost 11 I had better get a move on!

Good Night Dear Void.

A Year, A Week, A Day

Today my little love bug is a year, a week and a day. My how the time has flown!

Lura had an excellent birthday party, I was so pleased with how everything went. The day was a whirlwind for sure. As soon as church let out, we ran out the door, picked up her cake and grabbed lunch. I sat in the back and fed her and as soon as we got home I put her down for a nap. While her Papaw sat at the house with her, the rest of our families headed to the foyer to tear down and reset Miles Foyer for her party. We set up the food tables, present table, guest tables, and play area. My mom and sister made the food tables look SO beautiful! Momma made her yummy cappuccino punch. It was delish!

Lura's guests arrived however she was still napping :) When she awoke, I walked home to help get her party dress on. She was SO adorable; my little Narnian Queen! Lura hit the jackpot on presents! Books, dolls, toys, clothes. She wanted to play with each thing she opened. We then put her in her high chair and sang "Happy Birthday." We did light her candle so Clay and I had to hold each of her hands away from the flame then "help" her blow it out. While she was eating her iced cookie, whomever wanted to sat next to her and had their picture taken with the Birthday Girl. I need to give another huge THANK YOU to Johanna for having her amazing camera skills and documenting the party for me!

This past Thursday Luralie had her 1 year appt. She was 31 inches (95%... no surprise there!) and 22.3 lbs (75%). After seeing her walking around like a pro and asking about her eating and sleeping habits, our Dr. exclaimed that she was perfect and made her job easy! Lura got 4 shots (Flu, MMR, Hep A, Chickenpox) as well as a PPD test. She cried while she was being held down but as soon as I picked her up she stopped. I was super surprised with how well she behaved the rest of the day after getting 5 pokes and missing her morning nap!

I am looking forward to the holidays! We will be doing LOTS of traveling (Kingsland (my moms Thanksgiving supper), Gause (to see Clays gma), Houston (to see my gma and pappa), San Antonio (taking Lura to the zoo)) then while Clay is on his mission trip Lura and I will go to Kyle to spend some time with Nic, Jo, and Hayden. The Christmas holidays will be much more laid back. The only place we might travel to will be Fredericksburg.

Fun times ahead for sure!

Luralie's Birthday

The following contains my remembrances of my daughters entrance to the world. Names and dates have not been changed. If you do not wish to read any laborious details (actually no labor was involved) stop reading now.

I remember is as if it were yesterday. We were getting ready for our umpteenth doctors appointment. She was a week past her due date and I felt I would go crazy if the Dr. told me there was still no progress. We headed our the door with our hospital bags in tow... just in case.

We arrived, I was checked... still nothing. Dr. D wanted me to have a Biophysical Profile . If she passed he would let us go one more week before we decided to induce. Well... long story short she didn't pass. Five hours later I found myself back at my Dr.s office. He was calling the hospital to see if the anesthesiologist would allow me to have a C-Section (since Dr. D had told me to eat lunch before my BPP). Dr. D got the green light and told me to meet him at the hospital. I asked if there wasn't anything else we could do... induce or something... I really did not want to have a CS. However, Dr. D said he believed this was the safest way for me to deliver.

So, we made our necessary phone calls to friends and family and headed over to the hospital. Walking into the hospital was very surreal and not at all the image I had formulated in my mind over the previous 40 weeks. We got into our room, changed clothes, got hooked up, and eventually I got rolled away into the OR.

OR = worst experience of my life. I had been so worried about labor pains and the possibility of getting an epidural. Getting the spinal block was nothing. THIS IS GONNA GET GRAPHIC. It was after the incision... the moving of muscle that you can't really feel but you can sense. The searching for baby who had never dropped... I felt like I had half dozen elephants jumping on on my abdomen and rib cage. It was awful. I threw up a few times... I remember just wanting them to get her out. Dr. D at one point thought he was about to deliver her and told Clay he could stand to watch... however she was pulled back in and he had to search some more.

Finally I was told she was out. I had to trust them on this because I did not hear a cry. My Dr. handed her to the nurses who were standing by. I saw her being handed off then put on a table where they began cleaning her up... but still no crying. I called for Clay asking if she was OK. Even my Dr. asked why the baby wasn't crying. Finally, she screamed... and a tear rolled down my cheek. One of the nurses handed her to Clay then snapped our first family photo.

Come to find out Lura had the cord wrapped around her body which prohibited her from dropping and also caused the decelerated heart rates that occured during the BPP.

The best story from the night was when I was being rolled out of recovery and into our room. Everyone had to leave the room (including baby) to make way for my bed. Hospital rules say babies in the hallway must be laying in their bed. The nurse wanted her swaddled first and was about to take Lura. Clay said he would swaddle her. "Well have you swaddled a 'real' baby" the nurse asked. "No" responded Clay. "I didn't have a 'real' baby until now!" He then proceeded to swaddle Lura. The nurse praised him on his excellent job. I was so proud. He is an AMAZING father. Clay also had to change her first dirty diaper (since I was still numb from the waist down).

Lura was born on Thursday and on Sunday we got to take our little blessing home. This pas year has been one amazing ride. Looking forward to the next!

I Love Fall

I love fall... it is one of my most favorite times of year :) It could be because I was born in the fall... or because fall leads to Christmas... or that the weather goes from unbearably hot to comfortably warm. I am not sure... but I do know that I love the colors of fall. If I lived in Stars Hallow I would get to see these colors for real however I will just have to settle for the colors of decorations. I love pumpkin pie and candy corn! For about three or four years straight I had a candy corn decorated pumpkin pie as my birthday cake! Total Awesomeness!

However I have a new love for fall... it is the season of my first child's birth. I cannot believe that she will be ONE! It seems like only yesterday we were preparing for her arrival. She is so big. She amazes me everyday. Here lately she has really been mocking everything we say. After sipping some juice I will say "Mmmm" and she will reply "Mmmm". She can sing the EIEI part of "Old McDonald" however she forgets to say the O part. She can say "Quack Quack" and "Pup PuP". She will throw something on the floor and say "Uh oh". She can say "Hey" like the Fonzie did in Happy Days. Luralie probably walks a mile everyday. I call her my Roaming Gnome. All day long she will just walk throughout the house. She will start in the living room and play with her toys, go into the dining room and play on the piano, go into the kitchen and play with her refrigerator magnets or drag some pots or jugs out of the cabinets, go into her room and bring our her bucket of wipes, then end up back in the living room to parooze her toys again. She loves to go outside and visit the Pup Pups. Jubilee and Chance are very good with her. The only worry I have about them is their tails whacking her in the face with how excited they get.

I am in love with that little girl of mine. She is full of smiles and I love making her laugh.

During Nap Time :)

Well today has been good so far.... I am so glad it is my day off. I have missed my little girl!





Last night we worked concessions from 9:30-11:30. Showered and went to bed. Miss Luralie decided to wake up at 3am. It took me an hour to get her back to bed. Thankfully she slept in until 9:00.





Luralie and I got up, had breakfast then we played. At about 11:00 she seemed fussy so I tried to put her down. No luck. When I went in to check on her, the little pumpkin was sitting up! She learned how to go from her tummy to sitting. She smiled at me and didnt seem tired at all. Then I remembered that her Nanaw had been taking her for a walk in the morning before her nap. Didn't want to mess up the routine. I got her up, put her in her stroller and headed out for a walk. We saw Papaw and Dadda and lots of other friends. I took this picture.

You know campers are on camp when Papaw Bruce is wearing his beanie! He told me he was going to order some more and I asked if there were children's sizes. He bought the smallest they had, but Nanaw Katie still had to take it in some.

As soon as we got back home, little pumpkin pie was rubbing her little eyes. SUCCESS! I put her down for a nap, now I am sitting on the couch, watching Ya-Ya Sisterhood, uploading some pics from the last few weeks, and eating some fruit salad.

I wonder what the rest of the day will hold!

Oh PS. Little Pumpkin Juice can now scoot across the floor!

Prayers for Luralie

Hum hum hum... I just reread all of my blogs since September 2008... to say the least I really have not blogged much.

Well, I'm just sitting here... trying to find myself.... haha just kidding. For some reason that song has been stuck in my head this evening. Clay is hanging out with his little brother (tomorrow is his big wedding day) and I am home with Miss Lura-Lura... hold up, she just woke up screaming... need to give her some Tylenol...

I'm back... poor little dear. She has had a rough last couple of days... cutting teeth is no bueno. I love my little girl. I hate it that she is hurting. I wish I could make it so she would never have to feel pain of any kind. But how silly would that be. The book of James says that it is pain and trials that makes us mature and complete, not lacking anything. I don't want to raise, I mean rear (sorry Mr. Leifeste) an incomplete person...

Thank you Jesus for this precious gift you have given Clay and I. I pray that we are godly parents; that we instruct her in the ways of righteousness. I pray that Luralie grows up to be a Christ follower. Passionate and on fire for you. I pray that she has a heart to serve others. I pray that she learns about you by watching us. And right now dear Lord, please help her sleep. Amen.

A pondering mother....

As I bathed my daughter tonight I fondly remembered her first bath nearly 5 months ago... we had been home from the hospital for nearly a week and I had yet to give her a bath. Truth be told I was afraid to. Sure Clay and I had taken the newborn care class... I had soap, towels, baby wash clothes, and a heater... but I didn't feel quite ready to bathe little Luralie.

Well, it was my mother's last day with me and she said "Jackie I'm gonna give your baby a bath" and I was like "Be my guest". So we headed over to the kitchen sink, made a little pad for Luralie, gathered all necessary items mentioned above as well as cotton balls, a clean diaper, and a change of clothes and my mom began as I watched. She filled a bowl full of water, dipped her elbow to test it, then said "First you start with the diaper area" and I was like "NO!, "The lady in the class said to start with the face and do the diaper last." And as I spoke these words I gently moved my mom aside and took over. I took two cotton balls, dipped them in the warm water, cleaned each of her eyes and the rest of her little face. I then took her shirt off, washed it with her wash cloth and a little dab of soap. I patted her dry and put a towel over her to keep her warm. I took her socks off and washed her legs and feet, patted dry and replaced with new socks. I then did her diaper area and replaced with a dry diaper. I cleaned her umbilical cord with a cotton ball and rubbing alcohol then I washed her hair and put a hat on her head. Lastly I put her in a clean gown and we were all done...

I think it was then that I really became Luralie's mom. I can't quite explain it but from then on I just sort of knew what to do.

Neuroblastoma

The daughter of formers staff members here at HLC was diagnosed with neuroblastoma this past week. Kodi is almost 5. This is the same cancer that my brother Jason had. Since he was an adult when he was diagnosed his prognosis was never very good. My prayers for this family and this beautiful little baby is that they will fight strong and lean on Christ for support. I am so thankful that the disease was caught early and that there is medicine available.

As I thought about the Tutt family, I could not help but hold my little girl a little longer and a little tighter before laying her down in her crib. I thank the lord for her health and pray that the lord would grant me the same strength as Kodi's parents were I ever faced with a similar situation.

Goodnight Moon

Well, my due date has come and gone with no sign of the little one. Oh well. I can have patience; it is just so hard especially when I feel like everyone is watching me like a hawk. And oh the silly questions… “Where’s that baby,” “When are you going to the hospital?” “You haven’t had her yet?!?” It is hard to be patient when everyone around me acts like it’s a crime to not have had the baby yet. Worse yet they act like I actually have some control in the matter and can make her come at will.

Any way, I am enjoying Clay’s and my last days alone together. Although, I must say, the other night we were sitting on the couch watching football and Clay had his hand on my stomach feeling Luralie move around and I could not help but think (as I eyed her crib which is in a space between our living room and kitchen since we have a one bedroom house) that the only thing that could be more perfect was if we were sitting on the couch together holding a crying little girl (I’m not going to even imagine that we were holding a sleeping angel because I am sure it will be the former more often than the latter) lol. I think it is fun that Luralie’s “room” is where it is because my first “room” was between the living room and kitchen at our house in Houston.

I get a little bit sentimental as I go to bed each nigh, thinking that this could be my last restful night in a long while, because I hear that babies don’t sleep much. But as I think these thoughts, I cannot help but smile because I am ready (well as ready as I will ever be I guess) to meet my little girl and learn how to be a family.

Well, that is all I have to say for now. I won’t say that I will keep you (whoever you are) updated because chances are it will be another four months before I blog again. I read a saying on a friends FB status that said:

BLOGGING: Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

It kind of makes me laugh; there is typically 80% truth in most sarcastic remarks. NE ways, even if no one reads this, it is fun for me to go back and read through my old blogs. I know I could just keep a journal, but typing is so much easier.

At any rate…. Goodnight Moon.